would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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