No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
