So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
