You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
two words: eviction party
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
