Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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