I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
