We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
