Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
