My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
