Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
