shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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