your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
