My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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