Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
