then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Randomize
