Just mADE A PArabola og urine
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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