listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
