My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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