I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
my being single is dangerous.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
