You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
