So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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