booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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