my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
