He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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