i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
