I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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