Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
