Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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