I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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