i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
