At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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