as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
