I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
