I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
