I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I fill condoms, not promises.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
