Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
