Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I think I won the penis lottery.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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