she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
