Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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