Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
