Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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