Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
