A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
