it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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