it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
