Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
