you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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