I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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