i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
it's like heaven, but drunker
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
