i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
