Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
