I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
