Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
